Been alone because of gay urges

Why is that? At the heart of every relationship lies a negotiation between two opposing needs: the need for autonomy and the need for connection. Many queer men crave deep connection—but unknowingly sabotage it.

Too much autonomy can lead to loneliness. But so does independence. The simplest answer is: human beings are complex. When your earliest experiences with being seen authentically were met with pain, it makes perfect sense that your adult self might now hesitate to open up again.

Everyone navigates this tension to some degree, regardless of identity. We want to feel close, safe, and bonded to another person—but we also want to feel independent, sovereign, and free. And often irrational. I’ll share the reasons queer people frequently experience loneliness, and positive ways to not just cope, but thrive.

Add to that the cultural landscape of gay male relationships, where emotional expression is sometimes undervalued and independence is prized, and you get a recipe for avoidant tendencies. A gay therapist unpacks the hidden wounds driving disconnection and how healing begins.

We are vulnerable when we let someone in, and also when we risk being alone. Explore why Gay Men struggle with intimacy and learn how to overcome fear of love. Too much closeness can feel suffocating. Gay men are disproportionately likely to exhibit avoidant attachment styles.

Gay Loneliness and What

This question sits at the core of so many inner struggles, especially when it comes to relationships. You don’t seek out and then read articles about loneliness as a gay or queer man unless you’ve come to the realisation that you’re lonely. Whether it's growing up with the fear of rejection, bullying, or internalized shame, many queer men learned early on that vulnerability could be dangerous.

The stigma and shame you feel is real, and it takes a lot of courage to even engage with the subject. Gay men, in particular, often exhibit avoidant attachment patterns, making them more hesitant to fully engage in emotional closeness. Why are so many queer people lonely?

Yes, emotional intimacy demands vulnerability. The healthiest relationships are those that find a flexible, fluid balance between the two—an ongoing dance of coming together and pulling apart. Why do gay men struggle with intimacy?

Wanting to be known, but also fearing what that exposure might bring. How can I be afraid of something I want so badly? It means risking the loneliness of standing apart and being honest about our needs. Autonomy, after all, means taking emotional responsibility for ourselves.

Coming out is a profound act of emotional exposure. And that, too, can be terrifying. Discover insights on Gay Men and intimacy in relationships. For many of us, closeness has historically not felt safe. Part of realizing you're gay, or bi, or trans, or non-binary, or anything other than cisgender and heterosexual is accepting you’re different—and somewhat separated—from the majority.

But some groups experience this conundrum more acutely. The Push-Pull of Human Relationships.